I should start off by expressing gratitude for anyone out there who will listen, respond, and especially to those who may be able to offer me ANY kind of insight here. 
 

History of skin: I am VERY fortunate that my skin only had an occasional zit here and there through my teens and twenties. 
Enter [thirties] a skin explosion of issues. It began with (what I thought) were zits that just hasn™t come to a head. In the past I would simply pop a painful zit and it™d be gone the next day. Essentially, for me, getting the nastiness OUT always meant: healed by the next day. Except, this was different. I pushed & pushed and was nearly crying. The œunder the skin zit was only secreting clear oil & nothing I did was getting the painful pus to œpop so, as I was accustomed to, it could heal. I unwittingly left it alone after messing with it so much it left an embarrassing scab that was weeping on my face (trying to cover this up at my 8-5 job caused others to ask œwhat happened? ”can we all agree to just STOP ever asking people this question when it comes to the face?) 

Anyway- I was mortified, full of shame, & in pain by the still inflamed œun-poppable zit.
 

That same day, I met a friend of mine for lunch and she took one look at my face and I saw her eyes look directly at my poorly covered, painful, swollen nodule and before she could even ask I said œI know. I know. It™s horrifying and I can™t cover it. Please don™t ask- BUT if you MUST know it™s a HUGE zit that I couldn™t get to pop no matter what I tried!

Immediately she asked¦ œhow old are you, again? I said, œI just turned 30. She goes œyep! That explains it” that™s cystic/hormonal acne! Same exact thing happened to me once I hit 30! I felt relief but was full of questions œWAIT WHAT?! Cystic/hormonal acne after 30??! So, my mission began. I made appointment after appointment with dermatologists over those next several years. I was diagnosed with Acne & Cystic Acne- I was prescribed everything under the Sun during that time period. I remember pills like doxycycline, and other antibiotics which would last while on them just for the cysts to flare back up once I was out of the prescription. I was prescribed topical creams, and even the last resort was when a dermatologist prescribed Accutane!
Which, I did try bc I was THAT desperate but had to cease taking it because I experienced horrible side effects namely; excessive SOBBING/WEEPINESS/&depression which was very uncharacteristic of me.
 

I felt hopeless & during this time I convinced myself it was just ME. That if I could basically stop ever touching my face, if I could religiously wash my makeup brushes, eat a better diet” this would all go away! Maybe it was MY FAULT. Maybe¦ maybe I am a skin picker & have excoriation syndrome. All of these thoughts of self-blame & the LOW PLACE that the pain and appearance of my skin brought me is even worse currently. 
 

I began yoga EVERY DAY, ate salads, had a gentle but effective (to every other part of my face aside from when I would get a gigantic cyst) skincare routine¦ and still, the cysts came. 

Years have gone by, I am now 38 years old. Since then, I have put myself through graduate school & am now a mental health therapist. All of this while navigating life as a newly single mom before celebrating the joy of meeting their stepdad and getting remarried, and finally experiencing a pandemic” which, I know” turned EVERYONE™s life upside down. I™m not sure when exactly I began to notice the change in my skin but I am a researcher by nature & am constantly curious. When there is something œwrong or mysteriously appearing repeatedly (especially on my face) I have to try to understand why and how yo treat it. 
 

I have come up empty. I am experiencing why seems to be a zit. Even if I leave it alone- it becomes a lesion with tiny white plugs. It scabs over, if it™s in a place where it is affected by my facial expression (for example on my chin) then when I smile: it cracks open¦ meaning the cycle of healing is ongoing and IMPOSSIBLE. I have at least SEVEN of these weeping/painful/dry around the edges but wet in the inside lesions on my face right now. This has to be the most I have ever had at one time. 

If ANYONE has the time to PLEASE look at these photos that are INCREDIBLY difficult for me to post and offer ANY help I will listen to whatever you may feel this could be. 
 

I™ve seen posts about white plugs, I™ve explored the path of this being yeast related. I literally have slathered cream for athlete™s foot all over my face for days and days in the past and still get zero relief. 

Recently, I read something about salicylic acid working and dandruff shampoo so that is what I am currently trying. At night I have been applying

œSilver Shield Rescue - Wound Dressing Gel by Nature™s Sunshine that I found on Amazon¦it claims to reduces levels of œcommon microorganisms such as: Staph, Pseudomonas aeruginosa(?), Escherichia coli, MRSA and VRE, and fungi such as Candida albicans, and Asperigillus niger.

I™m at the end of my rope, here. This is debilitating. Especially because the cycle of having to attempt covering these spots just so I don™t scare my clients in sessions while I am attempting to help THEM makes me feel so self-conscious and SO much shame. I feel like less of a person & not the confident individual I used to be. While I know I am sure of myself- I am far from sure of my appearance. Also, with my otherwise completely clear skin there is NO way not to notice my ATTEMPT at covering these painful lesions on my face. 
 

ANYONE OUT THERE PLEASE! HELP SAVE ME FROM THE YEARS ANS YEARS OF TORMENT THIS HAS CAUSED IN MY LIFE! I want to heal” I am desperate and would try ANYTHING but also feel like I HAVE! What on Earth can I possibly do?? Anyone. please? I am begging anyone to reply.